On my mind

So with one notable exception, this has been kind of a lousy week. I would blame it on winter, but I'm not really a big believer in SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). In fact, I think most professional psychiatry is bunk.

No wait. Once again, I've confused myself with Tom Cruise.

Actually, I do have a healthy respect for the psychiatric profession, and I do believe in SAD. I just don't think I have it. I love winter, and it's never really gotten me down in the past. Naw, I think it has more to do with the general stagnation of my career, and my not knowing what to do with that. I read an article in the New York Times recently about how Undergraduate Acting Programs, which were only introduced in the late 60's and subsequently popularized in the 80's, are churning out aspiring actors at an alarming rate. It's not that acting is merely a competitive profession; there are just literally hundreds of times more actors than there are jobs for them. I mean, it's one thing to decide to make acting your life, and resign yourself to the quiet nobility of making very little money in exchange for career fulfillment. The reality is, the odds of even getting to a point where you're making shit money are mind-numbingly small. Especially in Canada. And it's not like these acting graduates are untalented. Lots of talented actors get no work. Imagine you're a casting director: You're casting a part in a commercial with 1 speaking line. The agents in the area submit anywhere from 500-1000 headshots and resumes for you to sift through, of any performer who is even remotely appropriate for the part. You choose a hundred or more guys to audition, and then have to watch a never-ending stream of no-doubt talented performers file in one at a time, and all exclaim how they love dog food, or something. And that's just for a crappy commercial; it's not like they're looking for the next big movie star. No doubt many of these people are capable, but they just don't have a chance. The cruel irony of trying to be an actor to express yourself and do work that you love, is the odds of getting to even audition for a project like that are a million to one.

The really crappy part is being surrounded by people who are all doing better career-wise than you. Like say, working the desk at a successful comedy theatre. Last week someone mentioned to me that they squeezed in a quick commercial, "to pay some holiday bills. You know how it is". "Not really," I responded, "but it sounds nice". That's the funny part. Since no one's getting rich in Canada, everyone complains constantly about their particular lot. It's just that people usually forget that there are hundreds of individuals who are less fortunate; these are generally the people on the receiving end of the complaints.

If it sounds like I'm bitter, it's probably because I am. In this business, you have basically 3 options:

1) Get on the bitter train.

2) Become riddled with self-doubt.

3) Quit.

The usual progression is 1, then a lot of 2, then an agonizingly slow progression to 3.

I'm not sure why I'm suddenly in such a bad mood about this now. There was an article in the Eye Weekly magazine this week about a really great sketch comedy troupe. I guess I just read that, and can't help but beat myself up for not working as hard. Or wondering if I have any talent whatsoever. See, this side of the entertainment business (self-produced material) is the wickedly ironic analogue to auditioning for work. When you're creating your own work, the buck really does stop with you.

Uhhh... Merry Christmas everyone!