Beholden

There are few things that cause me more anxiety than having someone buy something for me. I'm not talking about big things either: thus far in my life I have never experienced the supreme awkwardness of having someone buy a car or a purebred show dog for me. It's even the little things, nay, especially the little things which really make me sweat. Note that when my parents purchase things for me, it is a completely different scenario. Though I am always appreciative, it ultimately causes me no more apprehension than flipping on a light switch or forgetting someone's name.

I'm not sure why I get so worked up when someone buys me something, but I do know it's been happening as long as I can remember. Whenever someone offers to spring for a check, or purchase some small thing that I've chosen not to waste my own money on, my stomach immediately tightens, as I frantically look for a way to weasel out of it. It's funny, but when someone buys something for me (generally considered in most cultures to be a kind gesture) I generally feel more disdain for them than if they're spontaneously punched me in the kidney. Having something bought for me makes me beholden to another person, a situation I try at all costs to keep removed from my friendships and aqcuaintances. By the way, yes, I am well aware that most people do not view such gestures with such nickel-and-dime horror as I do. No one said fear was rational. The worst part is that the smaller the thing, the more likely I am to forget about owing the person. If you buy me dinner I will endeavor to pay you back, with the single-minded conviction of a movie action hero avenging the murder of his family. If you buy me a pack of gum or a hot chocolate, I will almost immediately forget that I owe you.

I will however, remember the spite.