Sunday night

It's time for me to make some big changes in my life.

What? I still have a blog?

Hey everyone. I know it's been while since I updated this thing, but in my defense, I've had an unreasonable amount of free time lately. You see, having too much spare time somehow seems to breed inactivity with me. It doesn't make much sense, but then again, neither do I.

So I'm back in to full-on plug mode again. That's right, Approximately 3 Peters have some shows coming up. First off, we are appearing with the enormously talented Mrs. Chickaburn's Old-Fashioned Comedy Cookies this Sunday night (and by "appearing with", I of course mean "opening for"). The show will be $5, at Clinton's Bar (693 Bloor St. W), and starts at 9pm. Best not to get there late, as you just might miss us.

Next up, we'll be appearing (again) at the famous SketchComedy Lounge on Tuesday night. I always find this a tough room, so any support you might have would be encouraging.

Beyond that we've got some improv gigs booked next month, and another night at The Bad Dog Theatre's Sketch Night. And speaking of the Bad Dog...

I've told most people about this, but I'm now ready to announce it to the world. I voted Conservative! No wait, that's not true (and shame on those who did). I'm going to be appearing in the Bad Dog Theatre's upcoming improvised parody of Lord of the Rings, Lord of the Things!




Actually, as I type this, I'm pretty sure that I already posted about the show. But now I have more details! It's funny! (that's the first detail). The cast is a mix of really funny "up and comers" and some fantastic established improvisers from around the city. Guess which one I am. From the looks of things, I'll be playing the Dark Lord himself early on. No, not Stephen Harper (ha ha, political satire is fun!), but eventually I may be playing other parts. I can't promise how soon I'll actually be in the show; you see, there's a cast of about 23, and some of them (okay, most of them) have a lot more seniority than myself. But hopefully I'll know soon when I'll be onstage. And like I said, the show is funny. I legally guarantee that. We've been having a blast in rehearsals, so as long as we don't burn ourselves out it should still be funny with an audience.

As well, I'm going to be doing another show at the Bad Dog this summer. Geez, if they keep not paying me to do their shows, I just may have to... keep doing their shows. It's actually unfortunate, doing this show meant backing out of another show I was really looking forward to. But I did agree to this first (fairness, etc). It looks like it'll be a revolving team cage-match type improv show. I do know it'll be on Saturday nights at 8pm, and they have some kick ass people lined up. I'll have even more info on that soon, and I'll be sure to make sure everybody knows about it.

Let's see... specific Ian news. Like I said, lots of free time lately. I had a few auditions this week, and I've submitted for summer theatre work. I've been e-mailing back and forth with my friend Jen in Korea. In my e-mails I've been thoughtfully including Korean translations for such handy phrases as "Forgive me, I did not mean to dishonour your Gas Station". I've been rehearsing a lot lately, and I just read a fantastic biography of John Belushi. Oh yeah, and today I had the greatest grocery shopping experience ever! Since I moved to Toronto, I've been shopping at the Dominion store in my neighborhood. Well, today I had the time so I took the subway to the nearest discount grocery store, here known as No Frills. It was INCREDIBLE! I saved literally $35 on my groceries, and I got twice as many fruits and vegetables as I have ever bought. I bought ginger root, for gods' sakes! I don't even know how to cook anything with ginger root. But at 29 cents, how could I afford not to get it?

So yeah, come on over to Ian's house. Apparently I'll be cooking in the near future.

"Oh hey, I did just say that"

Tonight, my box office co-worker tried to demonstarte a sudoku puzzle to a group of positively giddy patrons. He explained that, because the Japanese written language is so complex, their crosswords instead focus on numbers.

"Oh", exclaimed one young woman "that must be why they're all so smart!"

"Oh come on, there must be some stupid Japanese people."

Oh yeah. That was me saying that last part, instead of thinking it.

Beholden

There are few things that cause me more anxiety than having someone buy something for me. I'm not talking about big things either: thus far in my life I have never experienced the supreme awkwardness of having someone buy a car or a purebred show dog for me. It's even the little things, nay, especially the little things which really make me sweat. Note that when my parents purchase things for me, it is a completely different scenario. Though I am always appreciative, it ultimately causes me no more apprehension than flipping on a light switch or forgetting someone's name.

I'm not sure why I get so worked up when someone buys me something, but I do know it's been happening as long as I can remember. Whenever someone offers to spring for a check, or purchase some small thing that I've chosen not to waste my own money on, my stomach immediately tightens, as I frantically look for a way to weasel out of it. It's funny, but when someone buys something for me (generally considered in most cultures to be a kind gesture) I generally feel more disdain for them than if they're spontaneously punched me in the kidney. Having something bought for me makes me beholden to another person, a situation I try at all costs to keep removed from my friendships and aqcuaintances. By the way, yes, I am well aware that most people do not view such gestures with such nickel-and-dime horror as I do. No one said fear was rational. The worst part is that the smaller the thing, the more likely I am to forget about owing the person. If you buy me dinner I will endeavor to pay you back, with the single-minded conviction of a movie action hero avenging the murder of his family. If you buy me a pack of gum or a hot chocolate, I will almost immediately forget that I owe you.

I will however, remember the spite.

Not Testing Well

I was recently doing some web-based research on the Internet Movie Database (or imdb, if you're a geek) and I came across some interesting information. We all remeber the beloved mid 90's TGIF sitcom "Family Matters". It was the kind of thing you watched when you were too young to tell the difference between good TV and bad TV (need proof? One word: Urkel). But in the course of my readings, I discovered two fairly shocking facts about the youngest sister on the show, Judy.

1) She was written out of the show after the 1st season, and never referred to again.

2) The actress who played her eventually became a porn star.

Now, I know what you're all thinking: How can a show just write out a character? (Hah, thought I was gonna talk about porn, didn't ya? Sorry, not that kind of blog) It wasn't as if young Judy was properly removed from the show by the writers. There was no sending her off to boarding school, no tragic illness or bear attack. She simply ceased to exist or ever be mentioned again. This actually happenes on shows all the time. The 1st season of "Happy Days" had an additional older brother named Chuck Cunningham who played basketball, wasn't funny, and was wisely excised in favour of more Fonzie.

What would it be like if this kind of thing happened in real life? You go to an old friend's house for dinner and once the meal starts, you notice a place at the table hasn't even been set. "Hey, where's Jacqueline?" you ask. "Jacqueline? Who's Jacqueline?" your friend's parents reply. Eventually your friend pulls you aside and explains that his younger sister was shipped off to points unknown in an effort to streamline the family, and make them more marketable. He then encourages you to never mention her again, and offers you some ice cream.

Speaking of the Internet Movie Database, I must tell you all about the talent show I was in this week. Monday night the Second City held it's annual "Holiday Party" (formerly the "Festivus Party", formerly the "It's January But We've Been Too Busy To Have A Proper Christmas Party" Party). While I can sum up the evening with one word (drunktastic!), the Talent Show bears recounting. One skit, performed by the Second City Mainstage cast, was an inspired staging of an actual posted argument from the imdb.com chat boards. The topic: Peter Jackson v. George Lucas. Instead of just reading the transcript, the cast (scripts in hand) acted it out as if it was two couples havig dinner in a restaurant, arguing back and forth. Much foaming at the mouth and ranting about wookies vs hobbit ensued. Pretty brilliant.

But the most notable part (for me anyway) was my video. My friend/ coworker Brandy and I filmed a 10 min video for the show, which we barely managed to edit in time. The video featured the Executive Producer of the Second City, Andrew Alexander (played by Brandy), and the Executive Director for the theatre, Klaus Schuller (played by me, in a bald cap). The gist was that the Second City, after having moved across the street this past year, was moving again to the adjacent parking lot. We outlined our plan to turn the theatre into a drive-in, complete with half-assed scale models and tours of the actual parking lot. Our video's homemade, low-tech vibe allowed us to get away with some rather pointed digs; including the lack of cultural diversity on the Second City stage, and the axing of the Touring Company. And the whole thing ended with us announcing that while the move was being completed, all employees would have 6 months of unpaid leave. We were very nervous about the video leading up to the screening: Was it funny? Was it too mean? Would we spoil the whole evening and never be able to show our faces at work again? But in the end, it all went splendidly. I think the best response was from Andrew and Klaus themselves, when they didn't fire us on the spot (at times our portrayals were, let's say, less than flattering). But we did get laughs (especially from Andrew and Klaus), and all through the night I had the joy of getting some very kind compliments from some very funny people.

Which is really why I do this in the first place anyway.

Put a Smile on My Face

The other day, I recieved quite possibly the greatest e-mail ever. Allow me to excerpt parts of it for you:

"So, I went to look at your web log but discovered that I had deleted the email that had the link... So, I googled your name and while I did not find your blog, I did find a number of different Ian MacIntyres. I decided to tell you all about them below:

Ian MacIntyre in the Department of Electrical and Computer Engineering at the University of Waterloo wrote an article with Bruno R. Preiss entitled The Effect of Cache on the Performance of a Multi-Threaded Pipelined RISC Processor.
*Kelly gave this Ian 3 out of 10 stars..."

I swear to God, it goes on like this for two pages. And it only gets funnier. When I first read this, I laughed out loud for several minutes, which is impressive considering that it was about 12:30 at night and my apartment has very thin walls. My personal favourite part is the ending:

"Rest assured you are still my favorite Ian"

As if there was ever any doubt.

I Have Returned

So I'm here. Back in Toronto - back to my ongoing life or death struggle with the city that may one day claim my soul. I've recently become aware of a) how often I personify Toronto in my conversations ("Man, that's so like Toronto"), and b) how often I blame Toronto for any ill in my life.

- Can't find acting work - "Fuckin' Toronto."

- No time to relax - "Fuckin' Toronto."

- I forgot to set my alarm clock - "Fuckin'... Toronto."

But this year is gonna be different. This year is gonna be... 2006: Year of the Shawn!

Unfortunately, my friend Shawn called the year before I got a chance to. We've decided that 2007 will likely be the year of the Ian. But still, I'm gonna try and enjoy this year more. Take more risks, have more fun, listen to people more often. I did have a splendid trip home to Nova Scotia, and I think that's mostly why I'm in such a good mood this last week. I had some wacky misadventures since my last post, but the moment has kind of passed for me to write about them. It's been so long, that my memory has faded slightly and I wouldn't be able to offer much insight into my trip; just a run down of people and places. And honestly, who really wants to read that? If you genuinely want to hear about my trip, feel free to ask. As an actor, there's nothing I enjoy more than talking about myself.

There are, however, two major events that do bear relating.

I've recently been cast in the stage adaptation of "Lord of the Rings"!!! That's right, the multi-million dollar stage production that will soon have it's world premiere at the palatial Princess of Wales Theatre in Toronto.

Wait a second. That should actually read: I've recently been cast in the stage adaptation of "Lord of the Things", the improvised low-budget spoof opening at the Bad Dog Theatre. I'm entirely enthused about doing this show. Sure, it's a non-paying gig, and there will most likely be elf-ears involved. But it will also likely be a popular show, and a weekly show at that. That, plus the fun and comraderie and all that junk.

Second order of business: I'M A BRIDESMAID!!!

Seriously.

My good friend Antonia (Toni) is getting married in October, to my other good friend Steve. It's all very sweet. So I was talking to her over the break, and our conversation went something like this:

Toni: So Steve and I really want you to be a part of the wedding party.
Ian: I'd love to! I'm, well.. 'honoured' sounds kind of cliche, but that's what I am.
Toni: Great! I was hoping you could stand for me.
Ian: Absolutely! (pause) Wait. Does that mean I'd be a bridesmaid?
Toni: (pause. looks down at the floor) Umm... yes.
(awkward pause)
Ian: Whatever. I'm there!

I'm gonna look great in taffeta.

Oh, and they've also asked me to be the MC for the reception. If this bridesmaid thing holds through, that's half of my material written right there.

Actually, I lied. One more story. My blog, my perogative. On my flight back to Toronto, I was all set to watch a DVD on my spiffy new laptop. I had chosen to rewatch the first episode of LOST; but then it occurred to me that my seat mates might not enjoy looking over my shoulder at repeated scenes of a gruesome plane crash. So I settled on "SNL: Best of Phil Hartman" (the man's a genius, I tell's ya). Now the guy in the seat next to me is what caught my attention through the flight. He was a tall, broad shouldered guy, about my age, wearing a Canadian Military uniform. Now, I try not to make superficial judgments about people, but I usually do anyway. I see a guy like this in uniform, and I instantly assume that he's some big, muscle-bound, gun-happy lunkhead who couldn't tie his shoes without someone yelling orders at him. But then I scolded myself, and thought "hey, I'm sure this guy is more than just the stereotype in my head". Then, as soon as I pull out my compact, 12" iBook, he takes one look and whips out his extra-large, widescreen laptop (I may have imagined the look). I don't really think anything of this, but as soon as he boots up I can't help but notice his desktop - A huge picture of him and a fellow soldier in their barracks, stripped to the waist, each holding a fully automatic machine gun in each arm (4 guns in total), and grinning like a pair of sweaty, slightly homoerotic cheshire cats.

Now, perhaps I'm inferring too much here. It's entirely possible that my thinly-veiled problem with authority and people in uniform is causing me to assume unflattering things about this guy. I mean, he's theoretically signing up to defend my country (and me) from any global threats that may arise. Surely he deserves my respect? So I start watching my SNL DVD, and before long I notice what he's watching. Rambo. And not just Rambo, but "Rambo III". I mean, "Rambo I" I could have let slide (it's a surprisingly gripping story about a damaged Vietnam vet trying to readjust to society). But Rambo III!? That was the point where those movies abandoned all logic, and became living jingoistic cartoons. I believe that at one point, Rambo actually kills an Afghani terrorist simply by mumbling at him.

Sorry Soldier Boy. In my mind, you too shall forever be a cartoon.